Stuck? Check Out the 4C’s

Anybody feeling stuck?

In John chapter 5 we read about a man needing healing. Paralyzed for 38 years- can you imagine? Going to the healing pool, hoping it would be his turn to get well, we find him stuck and discouraged, day after day. 

Since he couldn’t walk, others were depended upon to get him to the pool, as well as help him get into the pool. The tone of the story leads me to believe he may have been feeling helpless and hopeless, tired of being a burden.

Sometimes when a friend and I are talking about my website, they share with me that they know someone who is “just stuck”.  It seems they are unable to get beyond the trauma of what happened- the lies and deceit have paralyzed them. Feeling helpless and hopeless, resulting in isolation, has caused discouragement to take over.

When we get stuck, the muddy mire of our circumstances pulls us down even further if we don’t get out of that pit! Sometimes we’ve been believing the lies and have been taking the blame for being the source of the problems. No. No. NO. Time for the “4 C’s”.

(This is not an easy answer. I am not minimizing the horrific affects of trauma. Just trying to point out where we could be stuck and what we can try that will help get us unstuck.)

The Four C’s are helps I learned while being in a recovery group. Each reminds me of what’s what. They are truths that the enemy likes to twist around into lies, to cause us guilt and shame.

  1. You are not the Cause of your spouse’s issues.
  2. You cannot Control your spouse.
  3. You cannot Cure your spouse.
  4. You can Choose to embrace your healing.

Most likely your spouse had issues long before he ever met you. Sure, both of you brought some baggage into the marriage, but you are responsible for yours, and so is he. He made choices which brought the two of you to where you are now. Repeat: You did not make his choices. He did. You are not the cause of his choices.

You cannot control what your spouse chooses to do. Ranting and raving won’t stop him.  Threats and ultimatums won’t stop him. Patrolling his whereabouts or checking computer history won’t stop him. He has to stop the bad behavior on his own. You cannot control him.

You cannot cure him. Giving your opinion or advice will not help him. Quoting scripture will not fix him. He has to choose healing for himself. Nobody can do it for him, not you, his siblings, his best friend, not even his mother. Only God’s intervention will provide the cure he needs- He has to want it and seek it.

So after all these negatives, what’s left? A positive. YOU can choose to embrace YOUR healing. Find a Christian counselor with betrayal-trauma experience. Find a wive’s group to help with YOUR healing and recovery, focused on YOU. Encouragement, support, help and hope await you.

But guess what? Just like no one else can make, force, convince, or control you, YOU need to be the one to make the choice to get un-stuck. To keep walking. To keep moving forward with or without your spouse.  Don’t delay your healing. God will provide the strength you need. Ask him. 

I’ve been in the mess. I kept hidden in shame and silence. Now I’m turning the mess into a message- of hope. Don’t be a “me” and wait days, months, or years to seek help. Now is the time.


  1. Hi Debra, such a great message of hope and healing! I love how courageous you are and what an encourager you are to others. Love to you!

    1. Thanks, Susan. We need to lean on others and keep moving forward. Time doesn’t guarantee healing. It takes work, too. With God’s help, we can make progress towards getting healthy.

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